And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
