And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
