i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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