i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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