Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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