so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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