i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
