i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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