You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
