Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
So squirting runs in the family.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
