The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
