I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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