My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
