This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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