She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
