When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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