I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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