i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Randomize
