Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
