Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
