im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
