I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I have feelings that need drinking.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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