I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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