Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
