I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
