I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
