The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Randomize
