my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
