I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
