I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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