I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
