Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Randomize
