I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
