I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize