found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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