My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
