he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
