That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
