Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
