i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
