I think I just saw someone hide a body.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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