I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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