i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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