what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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