I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
