It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
