he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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