I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
