Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
