K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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