Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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