I wanna passion pit in your ass
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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