rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We don't watch enough power rangers
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize