new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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