Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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