I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
